Firewhiskey for My Men, Butterbeer for My Horses
by HappyHufflepuff-RebelRavenclaw
Summary: AU, post DH.  After the war, the turncoat Draco turns to the lawmen Longbottom, Potter, and Weasley for protection against the outlaws that swear to end him.  Full of wandslinging action,  canon  romance, and wild west adventure!  Rated T to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Once upon a time in the wild, wild west there lay a little town called Hogwarts. And in that small town was a dusty ole saloon named Weasley's Wizard Whiskey. And in that dusty ole saloon lived a wisecracking, wandslinging bartender of the name George Keith Weasley.

"I'll have another firewhiskey over here!" called an angsty, blonde loner sitting at the bar.

"You're running up quite a tab today, Draco," said George.

"I need to drink away my sorrows," he said angstily. Draco had be universally rejected by the upstanding citizens of Hogwarts since he helped the death eaters kill some people and had been universally hated by the roving death eater outlaws since he defected to the side of the lawmen.

"_Your_ sorrows?" snarked Ginny, a bubbleheaded saloon girl, "who on _you_ was killed in the recent standoff? I wish that dashing Sheriff Harry Potter woulda locked you up in the jailhouse where you belong!"

"Don't drive off my loyal customers, Ginny!" said George.

"It's causa him your partner's dead!" said Ginny.

But before anyone could say anything else, a hulking fat man kicked open the saloon doors with his black, evil cowboy boots. "I'm lookin for that filthy traitor, Draco Malfoy!" called Goyle from the doorway.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"We don't serve large hunks of meat here, Goyle," said George.

"That supposed to be funny, Weasel?" the fat man said. He pulled out his wand and shot an unknown, dangerous spell off into the air, causing everyone to wail and drop to the ground. "Hand over the filthy turncoat or that'll be the last laugh you have!"

Draco squealed like a girl and threw himself behind Ginny. "Get your filthy hands off of my legs, Malfoy!" shouted Ginny, kicking him out from behind her.

Goyle took the window of opportunity. "_Sectumsempra!"_

"_Protego!" _Draco called in his girly girly voice, saving his skin (but peeing his pants in fear). The curse rebounded and hit old maid Argus Filch in the back of the head, making him fly over the table and crash into his date, Mrs. Norris, causing loud hissing and glass breaking.

Filch, being magicless, pulled out a pistol. "Take this, bastard!" he called. Sadly, his eyesight was going and he shot out a large bottle of firewhiskey behind the bar. The explosion caused the shelf of alcohol to topple. George retaliated, shooting off a stinging hex in the direction of Goyle, but Ginny stepped in the way.

"OUCH! BAT BOGEY HEX!" waving her wand, both the boogers of Goyle and her brother grew large and flew around the saloon, attacking random people.

"_Finite Incantatem!" _yelled George. "_Confringo!_" The boogers fell uselessly to the ground as the roof above Goyle's head exploded and fell on top of him. The bar went still.

Just a minute too late for the fight, horses' hooves pounded down the dirt road on which the Weasley Wizard Whiskey saloon lay. Sheriff Potter and his trusty companions, the lawmen Ron Weasley and Neville Longbottom, swaggered into the saloon.

"What in tarnation is going on here?" said Harry in his manliest voice he could muster. He mustered a little too hard, because the barmaid Ginny swooned.

"HE WANTS TO KILL ME!" wailed Malfoy.

Harry and the others looked down to their feet to see Goyle laying on the ground, bleeding slightly, and looking very disoriented, almost dead.

"Gregory Goyle! You've got balls of steel comin' into OUR town to murder OUR loyal citizens!"

Goyle laughed evilly. "I'm not the hit man, sheriff. I'm just the messenger. Tell that traitor over there that many more like me will be comin for him. The death eaters don't take kindly to desertion." With that, Goyle breathed his last.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Harry, Ron, Neville, and Draco took a seat at a table in the saloon. They had to wait quite a while to be served because the saloon girls kept fighting over who got to serve them. Hannah Abbot popped up first, seeing the dashing Neville sit down, but Ginny, recovering from her swoon, punched Hannah in the face and ran towards the table, until Pansy Parkinson stuck out a foot and tripped Ginny, grabbed her notepad and pen and sauntered off towards the table wearing a most revealing and busom flashing dress.

"And what can I get for you fine gentlemen today? Especially you, blondie," she added flirtatiously. Draco whimpered. The three lawmen ordered whiskey to quench their thirst and Draco, who had already run up a high tab and was pretty drunk (he didn't want that crazy waitress to take advantage of him), ordered orange juice.

She brought over the orange juice and whiskeys and they began to drink. "Whaddya reckon he meant by there were lots more outlaws a'comin?" asked Harry.

"Duh, that a whole legion of outlaws are comin for Malfoy!" Ron said, rolling his eyes. "Though I don't see why we have to defend this ole yellerbelly anyway!"

"Because we're lawmen," Neville said, "and that's what we good lawmen have a duty to do!" He took a swig of his whiskey in a manly fashion, and then started coughing, ruining the intended effect.

Ron grumbled, and looked up to see his sister standing right behind Harry breathing down his neck to sniff his hair. "Ugh! Ginny! Have some class! Let's get out of here down to the jailhouse, men!"

Harry seemed sad to leave behind that sexy little redhead but shrugged and stood up with his loyal men. "To the horses! Malfoy... I guess you can sit on the back of... NOSE GOES!"

His finger shot to his nose, as did Ron's. Neville was stuck with the yellowbelly on the back of his horse. They mounted out in the dust and galloped down the dusty lane toward the jailhouse of Hogwarts, passing young Miss Granger's bookstore on the way. As they sped by, she ran out of her store and started screaming after them. "HOWDY! YOU FELLERS! STOP RIGHT THERE!" They pulled their horses to a stop.

"What's wrong, Miss?" asked Ron politely.

"You, Ronald Weasley! You owe me fifteen galleons in fines on your book-" she conferred her registry in her hands, "'How to Charm Witches.'"

His ears turned bright red. "Ummmm I checked that book out for my brother!"

"Sure," she said. "It doesn't change the fact that you owe me fifteen galleons!"

"I left my wallet back at the jailhouse. Why don't you come down with us yonder? You can ride on my horse with me," he suggested smoothly. She grumbled but assented and he pulled her up.

Unfortunately, this was in view of his ex-girlfriend. The vigilante werewolf gang had just been passing down the other side of the lane and its co-leader, Lavender Brown, spotted that dashing gentleman pull the obnoxious librarian lady up on his horse! "Cad! Won-Won you are a genuine traitor!"

"Wha-" Ron began.

"I see you with that skanky little librarian over there! IT'S LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT ME!"

"That's cause I don't."

Lavender squealed. "And you! Sheriff Potter! What are you doing with that blonde girl up on your pony with you!"

"I'm a boy!" complained Draco but she ignored him.

"His life was bein threatened by ole Goyle," Harry said. "It's our duty to protect him!"

"Well I tell you this for sure! We werewolves think you oughta protect all the _upstanding_ citizens of Hogwarts, not turncoats like Miss Malfoy!"

"I'M A BOY!"

"You hush it, miss!" scowled Lavender.

"Lavender, calm down," said Lupin, pulling her away. "Sorry about this Harry, but I really have to agree with Lavender. Miss Malfoy's aunt killed my wife, and I can't stand by that."

"Well I'm sorry you feel that way Lupin, but I gotta protect my kin!" said Harry. "Let's get to our business, men! Yah!" The lawmen gallopped off to the jeers of the werewolves.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Once upon a time Bella Swan met Bellatrix Lestrange and they rocked out to "Party Rock Anthem" and got crunk. The end.

A/N: Haha! Just kidding, ya'll. Here's the actual chapter:

The Werewolves, being infuriated by the lawmen defending that filthy, uncouth Draco, decided to take a stand.

"Occupy Hogwarts! Occupy Hogwarts! The 99% of this town doesn't want to defend the traitor!" yelled Lavender Brown. The other werewolves howled in agreement. They believed that being in the "1% of species population" gave them the right to protest over Harry's decision to protect Draco.

"This is illogical! Go home and clean yourselves!" complained Hermione, yelling at the werewolves who were blocking her library.

"I'm sorry, Hermione. I tried to stop them, but they wouldn't listen" apologized Lupin, "I really do believe that helping Draco is a terrible idea. It's just gosh-darn stupid that the wolves think protesting will get them anywhere."

"It's fine, Lupin. But if you really feel that way about Occupy Hogwarts maybe you should tell them that. I mean, everyone does see you as the leader of the werewolves," said Hermione.

"Yeah, I think I'll go do that. Thank you, Hermione. I need to go pick up Teddy from his Grandma now. See you 'round." And with that Lupin left Hermione's library.

Hermione soon realized that she left some of the books that should've been on display in the cellar. Leaving the first floor, she went down to the cellar. The next thing she heard was a loud BOOM and lots of wailing.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Hermione dropped everything she was doing and ran up the stairs as fast as she could. Torn books, glass, and blood surrounded her.

"Lupin! Lupin! Where are you!" cried Hermione. She was answered by a low moan near her left.

"Lupin, what happened?" said Hermione.

"Death Eaters…bombed us …have Teddy…be raised…you…Ron…and Harry." And with that Lupin took his last breath.

Hermione cried. Running out into the street, she saw the lawmen puzzled, standing over all the deceased protesters. Hermione ran up to the lawmen and cried on to Ron's shoulder. Remembering that they were broken up she soon stopped and told them all what happened.

"Death Eaters are pretty dang stupid. I mean, they're wizards and they're still using muggle weapons?" said Ron.

"I think you're missing the point, partner, we're facing wizards much more cruel and cunning than that fat cow named Goyle," reasoned Neville.

"Hermione, I think we need your help to take down these crooks. We need someone with your wit and logic to help us defeat the remaining Death Eaters," said Harry.

"Okay, I guess. If you guys are fine with that," she responded. Harry and Neville agreed as Ron blushed furiously.

Before they got on their horses Neville quipped,"But first, let's clean up this mess the Death Eaters left us.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Harry sat alone at the local saloon, downing shots of firewhiskey. Whenever a loved one died, Harry felt the need to brood to himself and wash away his thoughts. Now that Lupin's gone, he didn't want to do anything. "Why? It's all my fault! ANGST. —"Before he could further angst a curvy woman sauntered up to him.

" Crucio me with Bellatrix Lestrange's wand! If it isn't the handsome lawman Harry Potter! How are you, hon?" said Cho Chang. Ever since her "honey badger", Cedric Diggory, died she felt the need to give her heart out to all the men who would take it.

"Hi, Cho," Harry muttered, "Listen, I'm not in the mood to talk. A lot on my mind." He took another shot.

" Oh we don't need to talk, Harry" said Cho scantily.

Before she could carry on, Ginny hexed her. Cho froze and fell off her chair. Not missing the opportunity, Ginny sat in her chair and pretended nothing happened as she made small talk with Harry. He started opening up to her, but that was due to his intoxication.

"Harry, how come Hermione can join the lawmen but I can't? It's not fair!" whined Ginny.

"Because, you can't really help our mission. All you would do is stun peo-people in-n your cowgirl boo-boots. Ma- ma- maybe you could wa-watch Teddy f-f-for us?" and with that Harry fell asleep on the table.

Ginny smiled at him and kissed his forehead.

"I can help too!" exclaimed Cho, who was starting to regain consciousness. Ginny hexed her again, walked away from the table, and started serving the other customers.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Down at the local jail house the next day the Lawmen and Hermione questioned Draco about the remaining death eaters. If they knew what kind of crooks these bad guys were, then it would be a heck of a lot easier to stop them.

"We need NAMES, Draco, not descriptions." pressed Harry.

"UH-okay, there was a-a Whickham" stuttered Draco.

"Look, DraCREEPo, we can do this the HARD way or the EASY way," Ron yelled, being the bad cop.

Hermione grabbed him by the tie and yanked him forward to look into her angry, terrifying face. "WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU ON, ANYWAY, MALFOY? WHAT'S THEIR HANG OUTS, WHAT'S THEIR NAMES? WE NEED ANSWERS!"

"GUYS! GUYS! CALM DOWN!" intervened Neville.

"So there is a Whickham? who else?" Harry asked Draco

"Yeah there's Dolohov Jr.-"

He was interuppted by Ron screaming "THERE'S ANOTHER DOLOHOV AND YOU DIDNT TELL US?"

"I told you now! Don't hurt me!" Draco started crying. "I've already peed my pants once today! I tell you anything, Potter, just get that Weasel and his girlfriend on a leash!"

"WE ARE NOT DATING! ROOOOOOOOAAAARRRR!" Hermione cried.

Hermione yanked one of the strings off Draco's bullo tie.

Draco squealed. "AND THERE WAS YAXLEY! WHY ARE YOU SCARING ME I AM COOPERATING!"

"SO BACK ON TRACK who else is there, draco?" contiued Neville

"There's Notowski, Atla Young, and Jo Bekke" he said. (Just kidding on the last one)

"AND HOW DO WE KNOW YOU'RE NOT A TRAITOR?" interuppeted Ron

"Because I'm not this time! I swear! And their big hang out is in the ghost town several miles from here! Where it is inhabited by evil leprechauns and stuff!"

"You're making that up, Malfoy!" screamed Hermione. "You ugly little prissy daddy's boy with bleached blonde hair!"

"THAT ONE HURT, HERMIONE, THAT ONE HURT." Draco sniffed. "I don't use peroxide. I'm all natural."

"AND Let me guess. this town is also inhibited by crumple horned snorcacks, nargles, and the KKK-wait it is inhabited by THE KKK!" yelled Ron.

"OK RON and HERMIONE! I think that's enough! All we need is directions to this town and we can sadle up and ride off!" said Harry.

"Just be careful, okay," Draco snivelled. "When you go there... weird things happen to your brain."

"Yeah, whatever, Mr. Peroxide," said Hermione.

Draco tried to scream "IT'S NATURAL," but the lawmen and woman had already ran out the door, jumped on their horses, and galloped off into the sunset.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

The lawmen and Hermione rode for days. After days of searching they came accross the ghost town they were looking for.

Ron was about to cross into the town when Hermione stopped him. "We need see where they laid traps," insisted Hermione

As she moved her wand to detect protective enchantments, a rugged messy blond rode up to them all.

"Howdy, ya'll! Don't worry, there ain't no hissing hippogriffs in there!"

"Who are you?" asked Harry

" You haven't heard of me? That's ok. I'm Luna Lovegood famous cowgirl otherwise known as Annie Oakly in the Muggle world!" said Luna

Hermione rolled her eyes, "Well Miss Lovegood, it was nice knowing you. But we need to go stop some death eaters from terrorizing our town."

"I can help! If you haven't noticed, there is a spy on top of that old church." Luna pointed to the building and screamed "Stupify! Petrificus totalus!"

A body then fell off the church she shot her spells at.

The lawmen were intrigued. "GROUP HUDDLE!" shouted Harry. They all gathered around him.

"She's cool! Let her join us! She's a cowboy!" said Harry excitedly.

"I don't like her," said Hermione suspiciously. "She's... weird."

"Hermione, you are a woman who owns a library, rides horses with lawmen, has hair that looks like you got your finger stuck in an e-leck-trick-city socket, AND you care about house elves? Dude you don't have room to talk," Ron replied.

"THIS IS WHY YOU WILL BE FOREVER ALONE, RON!" shouted Hermione. "THAT AND THE FACT YOU BROKE UP WITH ME OVER PATRONUS!"

"Guys, chill out!" Harry said. "Luna's joining the group, and you need to get over it!"

"Um, don't I get a say in this?" said Neville quietly.

"No! You're Neville Longbottom. No one cares about people with... long bottoms," said Ron, still stung by Hermione.

"That's just my last name. I don't ACTUALLY have a long butt. In fact, I think my butt is quite attractive, or that's what Hannah tells me," he replied blushingly.

"Well if you get a say in this matter, then the Luna/Neville shippers will attack," reasoned Harry

"Hmmm... welll that's awkward," said Neville. "Of course, breaking the fourth wall always is. Let's just invite her along before we do it again."

"WELCOME to the group Luna! Hermione, unlock this hick town's gate and let's go take down those bad guys!" cheered Harry.

Hermione sighed and unlocked the gate and they entered the town.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

"So you want to take my 18 month old grandson from me because my son- in- law told Ms. Granger to tell Sheriff Potter to take care of him and now Sheriff Potter wants you to take care of my only grandson because he's on a mission? Let me think. No." insisted Andromeda Tonks.

"Why not?" Ginny whined, "Your son-in-law wanted this to happen!"

"-And my son-in-law was also a werewolf who married MY daughter. I believe I get a say in who takes care of my daughter's child-"

Her arguement was cut off by the little baby Teddy running in room wearing little cowboy boots and screaming "Bang! Bang!"

"Come to Grandma, Teddy!" insisted Andromeda.

"No, Teddy, come to Ginny! I'M PRETTIER! AND I STILL HAVE DECADES TO LIVE!" yelled Ginny.

Teddy turned his head to the stranger, smiled, and matched his hair color to Ginny's.

"I'm only 50, Ginny! and if you think you'll survive into the next decade while saying such things, you're foolish." said Andromeda.

"I want Daddy! Where Daddy?" insisted Teddy.

Awkward silence hung in the air.

"You haven't told him?" asked Ginny, slightly bemused by what Andromeda did, or did NOT tell.

"No. Why would I? He's only a baby!" panicked Andromeda.

"I want Daddy!" insisted Teddy.

"Daddy's gone, Teddy. He wont be back anytime soon...WANT TO COLOR?" Ginny quickly changed topics.

"Um, he's too young to color-" Andromeda was cut off again as Teddy began laughing and trying to eat the crayons.

"Come to Ginny. I LOVE you!" Ginny transfigured a teddy bear for little Teddy, "Hug?"

Teddy accepted these and then burped in Ginny's face. She just smiled.

"Maybe I will let you take care of little Theodore. Just don't take him to bars, or brothels-" Ginny winced at the thought of Cho Chang taking care of Teddy-"or anywhere dangerous! And don't give him sugar; his hair will go rainbow and his skin turns purple and everything goes crazy!" said Andromeda.

"I need to go visit Narcissa for awhile. She's been going crazy with all of this Draco- Death Eater drama." continued Mrs. Tonks.

Ginny cheered.

"And one more thing, Miss Weasley. Please remember to feed Teddy, he's not a stuffed animal."

Ginny walked home with Teddy. "Oh my little Theodore Remus Lupin! You sure are cute! Remind me to feed you daily, I'll forget. Harry is the only person I remember to take care of. I wonder how he is..."


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Harry was heedfull. Aware that the Death Eaters laid traps around the town, Harry walked stealthully.

"Maybe we can split up and take appart the town by sections?" suggessted Neville, frustrated by the slowness Harry was moving at.

"Maybe, partner, but I'm not very sure that will work," said Harry, "And besides, there's five of us how would we split up?"

"Well, Ms. Granger,Ms. Lovegood and I could be one group," quipped Neville,"And you and Ron could be the other."

"Fine, but we must meet back here at sundown. And if anyone gets in trouble, just send a patronus. And-"

"WE GET THE IDEA, Harry. Everything will be fine. You and Ron can just go to the Western edge of this town and we'll go East." commented Hermione.

Harry huffed, (but not puffed cause he aint no cool hufflepuff, like me!) and went on with Ron to the Western Edge. They found destroyed houses in ruins, but caught no traces of Death Eaters. They tried the abandoned church, however, that was abandoned too. The horse stables, the library-Ron was'nt surprised about that one-, the gunnery. All were empty.

Neville, Luna, and Hermione tried the eastern edge.

"Maybe the supply store?" asked Luna

"GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE BEFORE I KILL YOU!" a raucous voice screamed

Green light shot out of the air.

"Protego!" yelled Neville. A body bounced back.

For a second, things were calm. Neville went over to see who he got. It was a dummy.

"DUCK!" Neville commanded to his friends.

Glass shattered. Spells were being shot all around. Hermione successfully sent a patronus to Ron and Harry. Luna helped Neville and Hermione escape the building.

A young woman who could have been Bellatrix's daughter sent a Cruciatus Neville's way. Neville dodged the spell and petrified her. Luna, being a top sharpshooter in the muggle world and a skilled cowgirl in the wizard one, was able to hold her own.

"Hey guys, it's that loony cowgirl! Loony? Or is it Annie?" harrassed Dolohov Junior.

"You're not the first, Mr. Death Eater," said Luna. She then stunned him. "And I prefer my name being pronounce Luna. With an A, not a Y."

Hermione was fighting strong, too. Well, that was until she heard Ron screaming her name.

"What is it Ron? I'm kinda in the middle of something," she said

"I need your help! Harry's taking on Inferi right now and he needs back-up!"

"Really? I think he meant for you to help!" said Hermione, "Gah, Ron, can you please make a smart desicion for ONCE in your life?"

"Yeah maybe I made some stupid desicions in my life Hermione. Do you know what the most RETARTED one was? DATING YOU!" Ron retorted

"Guys, Harry signaled us to leave!" announced Neville. Ron and Hermione ignored him.

"WHAT? I was a bad decision?" cried Hermione.

"Guys, we need to go." said Neville

"Yeah. And Lavender was a better kisser! You're kissess are disgusting!"

"Guys."

"Yeah, well, Viktor danced better than you! You have two left, ugly, stupid duck webbed feet!"

"Guys."

"Yeah, but you are a Henpecker! All you do is nag me and tell me what's my problem! Why don't you just look at yourself for a change!"

"Yeah, well your just as conceited and jerkfaced as-"

In the next moment Hermione and Ron were knocked out and captured by the Death Eaters who didnt hesitate on capturing them. Hermione and Ron were unconsious and captive as their friends were miles and miles away, safe from trouble.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Ron and Hermione woke up the sound of the Death Eaters chatting.

"So da weasle and the one with that hard name to pronounce is all we gotz?" comlpained a death eater.

"Shut up! The others were too hard." wheezed another back.

"Ron! This is all your fault!" Hermione immediately claimed.

"What? You're... you're just crazy! You're so crazy, you're cray-cray!" Ron replied. And thus the terrible word "cray-cray" was born.

"I like that word! Cray-cray... now that's deatheatertasmeratic!" said Yaxley

"I dun leik it two!" said Jo Bekke. "And dat udder 1!"

"Deatheatertasmeratic?" asked Dolohov Jr. "Indubitably! It reminds me of a song!"

"What in tarnation is even going on here?" said Ron.

"Musical number time!" squealed a death eater.

"Really? I thought we were past dance crews..." mumble Hermione in digust.

"Silencio! Crucio!" cursed Jaela Thorns.

She cackled at the silent screams of the captives.

A/N: Still to come: Wizarding rodeos, interogations, and Ginny vs. Cho round two! And will the death eaters ever get a chance to perform their musical number? Also Jo Bekke is obvs not our OC, though you probably know that already.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

"So your name is...?" asked Harry to the stranger.

"Rolf. Rolf Scamander to you! Luna, I'm not sure this man is a sheriff!" insisted Rolf.

"Oh, no, Rolf! These are my friends, Sherrif Harry Potter and Lawman Neville Longbottom. They're trustworthy and I can't find any wrackspurts near them," said Luna

After escaping the ghost town, Harry, Neville, and Luna decided it was best not to be tracked back to Hogwarts. Instead, they apparated to Luna's house, which was in thhe middle of nowhere.

"Alright, my Luna, if they're really safe of wrackspurts," said Rolf, her cowboy husband, "then they're welcome."

They were sitting in the drawing room, drinking tea and planning on jailbreaking Ron and Hermione, when suddenly a unicorn crashed through the ceiling!

"Oh, Luna," Rolf chastized gently. "I told you if we keep our unicorns upstairs then they're going to destroy the roofs!"

"I'm sorry, Rolf, I was giving him a bath when I saw in my crystal ball that Harry and Neville were in trouble!"

"That's understandable, darling Luna. Let's just keep them in the cupboard for now."

"Oh, but I'm keeping the hippogriffs in the cupboard, there wouldn't be room! Harry, you lived in a cupboard, right? How did you find the room to keep both your hippogriffs and unicorns?"

Harry sighed. "I didn't have either. I had a pet spider though. His name was Ron. He let me pretend like I had a best friend." Harry started crying like Cho. "I MISS MY MAN BUDDY! ROOOOOOOOON!"

"Oh, come on Harry! This isnt Cho Chang sad! Just help finish the rescue plan!" insisted Neville.

"But what if Ron and Hermione dont make it?What if the death eaters kill them?" sobbed Harry.

"Come off it, Ron and Ms. Granger are strong enough on their own. They won't die, there's like, atleast eight chapters left of this story! And the Death Eaters are to stupid to kill them! They probably just want us to compromise for something with them!" persisited Neville.

"But what if-" Harry got cut off by Luna.

"Who wants to meet my unicorn? Her name is Danica."

Suddenly, Danica exploded!

"Oh my! I'm so sorry, Luna!" exclaimed Neville.

"Oh, she's fine. My unicorns spontaneously combust all the time. It means she's trying to tell me something."

Luna and Rolf began dancing around the room in circles, singing some sort of a tribal song. They finished by standing on their heads in the middle of the room and meditating for five minutes.

"Delightful!" exclaimed Rolf.

"What is it?" begged Harry.

"Danica said that she knows where Ron and Hermione are!" exclaimed Luna.

"HOORAY! Luna, lead the way!" said Harry.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Hermione and Ron decided to talk about their feelings when the Death Eaters were taking a drinking break.

"Ron… I never meant to hurt you," she said tearfully. "It's just it made me sad when you told me you would never read _Hogwarts, a History!_ I felt like… I felt like you didn't care about me!"

"Hermione, why are we talking like we're on an episode of Dawson's Creek?"

"I DON'T KNOW I'M HORMONAL JUST GO WITH IT."

Ron sighed. "When I said your kisses were disgusting… well I meant it. But I kind of liked it. It was like a puppy dog. I always wanted a puppy but Percy was allergic, so we had some stupid owls and rats instead."

"Really? More tongue then?"

"No, no, really it's okay, Hermione," he said quickly. "I don't know if we're right for each other, though! You keep picking on me, like I'm stupid and all I do is eat. That's not even true. It… it hurt me, Hermione. Gingers have feelings too."

"I _know_ that Ron! I think it's just difficult to be a career woman and want to have your babies at the same time! Wait did I just say that out loud."

"Yes," he said. "We would have such cute babies."

"Can you two shut up over there?" yelled over Yaxley. "You're throwing off my butterbeer pong skillz!"

"Sure thing!" yelled Ron. "This conversation is actually starting to make me very uncomfortable!"

Suddenly a giant candle appeared over Hermione's head, figuratively. "Ron! They're distracted by drinking games! We can escape!"

"Hermione, I _knew_ you were a genius, even if your emo conversations are awkward," Ron said, standing up on his feet with Hermione tied to his back, "Good thing they didn't notice that our legs were tied up."

Hermione and Ron then fled the bar, back to back, off into the sunset and freedom!


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Teddy was stuffing all manner of food up his nose while running around with no shoes on all around the street. His hair was a vibrant rainbow and his nose was distinctly pig like.

"Teddy come back! You'll get hit by a buggy! Those travel at a whole 10 miles per hour!" Ginny called after him, running as fast as she could.

Luckily he didn't get hit by a buggy, but right as he was running across the street, a unicorn materialized out of thin air, and Teddy ran straight into it. He fell down on his butt, but instead of crying, he started jumping up and down in excitement.

"A unicorn! What the heck?" asked Ginny. She looked at its neck, and it appeared to be wearing a collar. A little trinket on the collar said, "My name is DANICA. If found, please do a special rain dance to summon my owners."

Right at that moment, Cho Chang ran out into the street after Ginny. "Ginny Weasley!" she screamed. "I've been working your shifts at the saloon for the past two days, and I'm tired of it!" She stopped suddenly when she saw the unicorn.

"Oh, who's this?" she said. She moved towards it, and Danica kept backing away from her.

"Back off Cho!" Ginny said. "Unicorns only approach virgins. Your sluttiness will scare it away!"

"Girl! Don't you go there!" Cho replied, taking out her earrings.

"Hold on," she paused. "Is that Danica the Unicorn?"

"Um, yeah? It says to do a rain dance to summon its owners."

Cho rolled her eyes. "It's that crazy cowgirl, Luna Lovegood. She used to be my roommate, until she got married. She always kept this unicorn in the cupboard, and it ate all my nutella!"

"Where does she live?" asked Ginny.

"The middle of nowhere. Some sort of ghost town."

"It must be a message from Harry! He must be in trouble! He is so manly!" Ginny said. "Teddy, come on! We're going to find Harry!"

She hoisted Teddy and herself onto Danica's back and they gallopped off twoards the ghost town.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

"Gosh darn it, Ron! What made you forget to grab our wands as we left that saloon?" said a very aggrivated Hermione.

"How's that my fault? You're supposed to be the clever one! And if you're so clever, then why don't you figure out how to untie us!" retorted Ron.

"Maybe if you stopped squirming, I could undo the ropes!" yelled Hermione.

Hermione and Ron went back and forth on this for about two hours until three people showed up. And they were not Harry, Luna, and Neville.

"Ya know, it wasnt so hard to track ya'll down after hearing you argue so loud," said Wickham,"And this time, don't count yourselves on leaving this town ever again or else."

"Like what? Crucio us? We're a lot tougher than that!" Ron replied.

"Somethin' worse. Muggle methods..." said the Death Eater

"So I suppose you're gonna tie us to train tracks and let the 'choo-choo' take us out? So original for a western!" said Ron

Before Ron could annoy the Death Eaters further, Atla used a silencing charm on him. Ron further pressed on, but it was no use as he wasdragged back to the town with Hermione.

After being retied to chairs and having their legs strained, Ron and Hermione were left alone again. Feeling awkward by listening to the ginger who spoke with no sound that came out, Hermione felt it necessary to shut up Ron. "Ron? Could you please be quiet so I can think?"

No response came, but she knew he wasn't moving his lips. Hermione took in her surrounding. The building was rotting and full of boarded up windows and planks. If she wasn't mistaken, there were her and Ron's wands right on that shelf accross the room...


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

So Hermione got her period. And she was all like, "Dude, Ron! I got my period!"

And Ron was all like, "Ew, Hermione! TMI!"

But then Draco showed up because he just does stuff like that (he's part unicorn, like Danica). And Draco was all like, "Hermione, I'll talk with you about everything. Because our love is not bound by things like social constraints on speaking about vaginal health."

And Hermione was like, "Draco! That's the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me!"

And then they made out, which was weird because she was still tied to Ron. Kinky?

Harry then showed up and slapped Hermione in the face.

"You &^%! dont steal my man!" he hollered.

Jo Bekke said, "Its ok, Harree, I'll mende ur broken hart."

Then Harry was all like, "Wait, aren't you my twin?"

Then Jo Bekke was like, "That don't stoppe Fred nd George do it?"

Then Sirius Black jumped out of his coffin to join this discussion.

"Remus! Oh, Remus, wherefor art thou, Remus!"

Remus jumped out of his coffin and said, "Sirius! Do you really want me? I thought you loved James!"

But then Draco was all like, "Can everyone shut up please? I'm trying to ravish Hermione in a manly manner here and you all are distracting me with your shipping!"

"No you're not! It'll be me doing the ravishing!" Snape said busting through the door.

"Professor Snape! My love!" exclaimed Hermione

"Wait? Do I get any love?" said Ron, whose mouth was stuffed full of stake and kidneye pie.

"Don't be an idiot, Ron!" yelled everyone in the room.

"Wait a second! I thought I was supposed to get Hermione!" said Fred strolling in the room.

"You can all have me!" sang Hermione. "After all, I am not a nerd with bushy hair, I am a voluptuous slut!"

Then "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepson came on the radio.

And then Draco was all like, "Hermione, I will sing this song to win you back."

"Hermy, I just met you (6 years ago) and this is crazy, but here's my number, so call me maybe!"

"And all the other OCs, try to chase me..."sang Remus.

"But here's my number, so call me maybe!" sang the suddenly appearing OC named Ravenina Sari Pea'nut Butter (pronounced boo-TEAR) Wisdom Ravenclaw, the secret descendant of Rowena Ravenclaw who had the power to resolve the plot with a fart. She farted, and the plot was resolved.

But then Elaine Amber Lois Lane Puff Black who was super amazing came in!

She married Oliver Wood!

And then announced "Happy April FOOLS Day!"

The end.

Next week, we return with our regularly scheduled programming: Firewhiskey for My Men, Butterbeer for My Horses!

Love, Ravenina and Elaine


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Now Ginny, being our favorite bubble headed saloon girl, accidentally rode Danica to the Death Eaters Ghost town. And because this is Ginny, not only did she bring little Teddy Lupin, but she also wandered into the ghost town while carrying him.

"Harry! Harry! Where are you?" Ginny said loudly, "Harry are you tricking me? Where is everyone?"

Ginny continued walking on with Teddy gurgling in her arms. She walked past the destroyed homes, through the church, past the saloon-which was making muffled pleas of escape- and finally the supply store.

"Har-Harree- Harry," Teddy said.

"Teddy! You just said Harry's name for the first time! He must be here! Oh Sheriff Potter, I knew you were in the supply store!" exclaimed the bubbleheaded waitress.

Before Ginny could move, a body bind curse hit her. She dropped Teddy, who was caught by Dolohov Jr.

"Ginee!" the baby squealed.

Due to the weak body bind curse, Ginny broke free, reached for her wand, and zapped Dolohov. She grabbed Teddy, hexed Danica, and set fire to the town for dramatic effect.

"SOMEONE HELP! Oh, come off it Ron, there must be a good guy here!"

"Augamenti!" Ginny yelled at the saloon. She found Ron and Hermione all tied up to chairs.

"Guys! why are you still here? We need to disapparate!" the saloon girl said.

"We can't! Our wands are on that shelf, and if you havent noticed we're all tied up in a burning building!" exclaimed a panicky Hermione.

"Accio wands!" Ginny screamed as she summoned them.

Still holding on to Teddy, and taking hold of Ron and Hermione, Ginny screamed "DISAPPARATE!" (again, to be dramatic) and they all vanished back to Hogwarts.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

So Luna and her new friends, Neville and Harry, accidentally rode back to the ghost town. Seeing the burnt, destroyed town shocked Harry to the extreme.

"Guys! Ron and Hermione are goners! I know it!" he sobbed.

"Let's not jump to conclusions, partner," said Neville as he started inspecting the place,"and we should check if anyone is still here. Homenum revelio!"

Nothing happened. Harry started crying again.

"Hey gents! Someone hexed Danica!" exclaimed Luna, inspecting her unconscious unicorn.

"So? Ron and Hermione are DEAD! Gahhahaha!" wept Harry.

"GET A GRIP, HARRY! We still need more evidence. I mean what happened to those mangy death eaters? Some scene musta gone down!" said Neville.

So the three split up and checked the grounds. After an hour or so, they met back up to see what each other found.

"Well I found a small ball in a beer mug!" said Luna, looking over the little evidence they found.

"So Ron and Hermione were playing butterbeer pong! Those jerks! While I sobbed over them and went angsty about them, they were just playing games! ANGST ANGST ANGST!" yelled Harry.

Neville face palmed. "Sheriff Potter, Luna also found some chairs tied up. They obviously did not play butterbeer pong."

"Oh. Well then maybe the death eaters were playing butterbeer pong! And for fun, they tortured Ron and Hermione! And they hexed Danica! Because of Ron and Hermione's integrity, they, uh... Set the town to flame! And the death eaters caught them as they escaped and they all died a firesome death! Yeah!" said Harry

Harry projected further on before Luna and Neville could reason with him. "And now they're dead... out of glory... along with the death eaters... MY FRIENDS ARE HEROS! WAHAHAHA! And all we have left of them is this golf ball and that beer mug. Come, friends, let's go cry at home. DISAPPARATE!" And Harry vanished back to Hogwarts.

"I guess I should go back too. See you around, Ms. Lovegood." said Neville before disapparating.

Now Luna grew up in Hogwarts but she forgot where it was. "Accio map!" Luna said. And to be respectful, she sang an old song of the south for Ron and Hermione as she singlehandedly carried Danica to Hogwarts.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Harry was back at Hogwarts on a mission. He knew who he was gonna see and where to find him.

Harry stormed into Weasley's Wizarding Whiskey, found the skimpy blonde, Draco Malfoy, and sucker-punched him in the face. "Bastard! You lead my friends to their death!"

"What? I didn't do anything!"

"Yes you did! Now get out of this town, useless scum!" yelled Harry.

Before Draco could move, Harry hexed him, until Ginny squealed at him.

"Harry! You're alive!" squealed Ginny, hugging Harry.

Harry wanted to hug back, but he felt someone's tight grip on his shoulder.

"Harry! What are you doing here?" chorused Ron and Hermione.

"What am _I_ doing here? What are _you_ doing here?" yelled Harry.

"We escaped the ghost town! Someone burnt it to the ground!" said Hermione.

"Yeah and Ginny helped give us our wands back and we all disapparated back here," said Ron.

Hermione and Ron then explained what happened to them. Neville apparated in then, and losing his concentration, landed on top of the bar, knocking over many patrons' drinks. "Sorry Gentlemen and Ladies! I'm not too good at this apparating," Neville apologized. "Ron! Hermione! I knew ya'll would be here!"

Neville then caught on with Ron and Hermione's story as Luna kicked the saloon doors open.

"You!" she shrieked, "You hexed my unicorn! Take this!" Luna started hexing Draco.

"Wait! Luna, Draco didn't hurt your unicorn! I did. It led Teddy and me to the ghost town and I thought it's working for the Death Eaters." intervened Ginny, trying to help the sobbing Draco of the floor.

"You hexed Danica?" said Luna.

"You lead Teddy to a town full of Death Eaters?" exclaimed Harry.

"Not the point, Sheriff Potter! I'm really sorry Luna, but that unicorn is evil!" said Ginny.

"But Danica can't be evil! She's my unicorn! She's my best rider at the rodeo!" insisted Luna ", Let me show you." Luna further proceeded by starting a wizarding rodeo.

Because Ravenclaw, is getting anxious with this chapter, let's hurry up to the exciting part.

After the Rodeo clown's act, and everyone was applauding, a thumping, un-western pop sounding music was thumping in the town. The Death Eaters burst into the stadium and started dancing. They opened their throats and started to sing-

Wait next week for the last chapter! What will the Death Eaters sing? Who will survive this standoff?


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

"When I walk in the rodeo, this is what I see. E'ry body stops and is starin' at me. I got passion in my robes and I ain't afraid to show it, show it, show it…

I'M EVIL AND I KNOW IT."

All the death eaters shuffled until all the Hogwarts crew's hearts were struck with horror!

"NO, NO, NO!" shouted Harry Potter. "First, this is a WESTERN town, and the only songs we're allowed to sing are WESTERN or maybe Country but they're basically the same thing. For this crime, you shall DIE!"

He drew his wand and fired a stunning spell at the lead death eater. Soon a huge brawl broke out, and wand smoke filled the air!

"Now where's that traitor, Draco Malfoy?" hollered Dolohov Jr. above all the ruckus and dying moans.

"Definitely not in the saloon!" yelled Harry, before realizing he just gave the blonde boy away.

Draco Malfoy was again hiding below the bar of Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes, nearly peeing his pants. He clutched his wand in one hand and a drink in the other, taking swigs from the hard alcohol to try to gather his courage. Dolohov Jr. kicked open the door suddenly, growling and swaggering angrily.

"Come out, come out wherever you are, mini-Malfoy!" he cackled. The saloon patrons and waitresses stood silently, refusing to give away Draco's position. Dolohov shot his wand into the air, blasting a hole in the ceiling.

"YOU WILL TELL ME WHERE MALFOY IS!" he shouted. He wrenched a hooded patron from a table to interrogate at random. Shockingly, when the hood fell down, it revealed Narcissa Malfoy!

"Ha ha! You, WOMAN, are a traitor too! Prepare to die!"

"MOOOOMMMMYYYY! NOOOOOOOOO!" Draco cried. "AVADA KEDAVRA!" The killing curse hit Dolohov before he could hit his mother! Draco then ran to his mother's arms and cried like a baby in her lap.

"Oh, Draco! You're such a lovely mommy's boy," she said.

"I love you too, ma-ma!" he said.

Before he could give any more love to his mommy, the battle burst into the saloon and they had to stand up and fight, finally conquering their yellow-bellied fears!

Luna sat atop Danica, charging around the room shooting spells with her wand in one hand, and shooting bullets with a revolver in the other, while Danica shot magical rainbows through her unicorn horn. Harry and Neville battled Jo Bellke and Wickham. Ginny was running around giving Teddy a piggy back while fighting evildoers. Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione battled back to back while surrounded by the death eaters that captured them, who now played a deadly version of beer pong with bomb-balls and aflame red solo cups.

"Hermione… we may die any second, you know," Ron said.

"Um, duh," she replied, hitting a death eater with a well placed hex.

"And we may have only one more chance to, you know, kiss each other," Ron said.

"You mean one of my 'disgusting' kisses?" she replied coolly.

"Well…yeah. That's exactly what I mean." He said.

"Oh, okay! After I finish off this bad guy!" Hermione said, defeating Young, "So now do we…"

But she was cut off as Ron started making out with her.

Because of this sexy but unfortunate choice, they were both stupefied and fell into a dreamy sleep for the rest of the battle.

Parts of the roof were collapsing on the floor, taking out most of the fighters. As Neville was dueling Yaxley Jr., a chunk of the ceiling fell off. Yaxley took the advantage and disarmed Neville. He was stuck there, defenseless and cornered. Knowing his time was coming, Neville closed his eyes, expecting the _Avada Kedavra_. But it never came. He opened his eyes. Yaxley laid, sprawl eagle on the floor and Hannah was standing in front of him.

"I'm not very good at these comeback things Mr. Longbottom, but here's your wand." She said.

"Uh…thanks Miss…" Neville said before going back to attack more death eaters.

"Abbot. Hannah Abbot."

Just then, Harry was battling the last death eater—Jo Belke.

"DIE, NORTHUNUR, DYYYEEE!" she screamed in a southern accent.

"Never, you racist troll!" he replied, and he shot off a rainbow spell that flooded the whole room. She fell to the ground, overcome by the spell's power (it only attacked racist people who can't spell).

"WHOO! HARRY POTTER THE HERO!" the whole town cried in unison.

"Drinks on me!" he called to the bar. "Firewhiskey for my men… and butterbeer for my horses!"

"That is so cliché, Sheriff Potter," Ginny sighed.

"I wan bullabeerrrr!" Teddy shrieked happily.

"Fine. 'Bullabeerrrs' all around," Harry declared. All of Hogwarts cheered and rode off into the sunset.

The end.


End file.
